My favorite dinner is the one made by someone else.

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Always carry a knife in your purse. You never know when there will be cake.

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Dear Karma, I have a list of people you forgot.

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Dear Liver, It is going to be a rough month… STAY STRONG.

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Yes, I can still party like an absolute rock star. However, it would appear that I cannot recover like one.

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Now accepting applications for a partner in crime: Must be fluent in smart ass, sarcasm and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required. Slackers need not apply.

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If there was an elf on the shelf in this house, he would most likely need therapy.

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Have kids, they said. It will be fun, they said.

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Instead of presents this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion.

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You know what takes longer than a kid telling a story? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

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I’m going to be the life of the party (as long as it all ends by 8:30 pm)

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Shit creek survivor

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Wash your hands and say your prayers, because Jesus and germs are everywhere

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Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes chocolate a plant. Therefore, chocolate counts as a salad. The End.

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Take Life One Sip At A Time Kitchen Towel

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I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

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PROVEN FACT: If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.

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You’re ridiculous. And by that I mean we’ll always be friends.

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Sorry for what I said during the football game.

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I want to be a mature adult. I really do. But I also want to eat ice cream and wear pajamas all day. Do you see my dilemma here?

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