Settle down. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

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Sarcasm (noun) The brain’s natural defense against dumb.

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Republican Party. Democratic Party. Wine White Kitchen Towel

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PROVEN FACT: If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.

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Please Use Me Kitchen Towel

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Oh Relax Obviously Nothing Is Under Control Kitchen Towel

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Now accepting applications for a partner in crime: Must be fluent in smart ass, sarcasm and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required. Slackers need not apply.

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My favorite dinner is the one made by someone else.

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Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream!

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Look at you. All grown up and buying a house Towel

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Let’s grow old and botox together White Kitchen Towel

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It’s Fine. I’m Fine. Everything’s Fine. White Kitchen Towel

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Instead of presents this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion.

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Instead of “single” as my relationship status, I prefer “Independently Owned and Operated.”

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If you have to ask if it is too early to drink wine, you’re an amateur and we can’t be friends.

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If there was an elf on the shelf in this house, he would most likely need therapy.

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If only there was a vaccine for stupidity / Natural Kitchen Towel

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If life gives you lemons, make lemonade…and then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party!

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I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

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I’m going to be the life of the party (as long as it all ends by 8:30 pm)

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