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Lord keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
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Careful, Free Range Children.
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A women gets the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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The problem with political jokes is too many of them get elected.
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If you met my family you would understand
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OMG, My mother was right about everything.
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You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.
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One martini, two martini, three martini, Floor!
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I always offer my family two dinner choices. Take it or leave it.
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My favorite thing to make for dinner is reservations.
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Your garden club may have scintillating discussions, but my garden club can drink your garden club under the table.
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The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house.
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Coffee Chocolate Men. Some things are just better rich.
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I like to cook with wine. Sometimes I even put it in my food.
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My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.
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I’ll have a cafe-mocha-vodka-valium-latte to go, please.
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That’s how I roll.
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When a woman says “Do whatever you want” Do NOT do whatever you want.
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My house is not dirty. I just have everything on display. Like a museum.
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I live in a madhouse ruled by a tiny army that I made myself.
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I thank God for my children every day. Without them, I would not have realized how well mac and cheese pairs with white wine.
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Motherhood. You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.
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Ten years ago I was cool. Today I awoke to a child’s finger in my nose, wore pj’s all day and applied antiwrinkle cream. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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Yes. I am still in my pajamas. What did I accomplish today? The kids are still alive. Say thank you. Now say I’m pretty.
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