Humor
They say moms placed in a life or death situations with their children develop superhuman strength. Last night during a tantrum, I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth.
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I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
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Dear Liver, It is going to be a rough month… STAY STRONG.
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After getting the blanket, pillow, drink, snack, and TV show set, I’m pretty sure my toddler just looked at me and mouthed the words “I own you.”..
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Dear Lord, Please don’t let my husband be home when all my online orders arrive. -Amen..
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One glass of wine away from telling everyone what I really think.
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Mom Mommy Mom Mom Mommy Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. There’s no better job.
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Ramen (noun) A gourmet meal for college students and others oppressed by debt.
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You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be.
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Mama said there would be days like this.
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Mom, watch this! is your child’s equivalent of “Hold my beer.” It usually means something foolish and dangerous is about to take place.
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Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream!
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Yes, I can still party like an absolute rock star. However, it would appear that I cannot recover like one.
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You’re ridiculous. And by that I mean we’ll always be friends.
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Sarcasm (noun) The brain’s natural defense against dumb.
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Remember, as far as everyone knows we are a normal family
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I used to have a handle on life. But the handle broke off.
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I need is a little bit of coffee and a whole lotta Jesus
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Everyone thinks that a girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy. PLEASE… Every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.
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How do I like my eggs? Umm, in a cake.
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To me, “drink responsibly” means DON’T SPILL IT.
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I want to be a mature adult. I really do. But I also want to eat ice cream and wear pajamas all day. Do you see my dilemma here?
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The dentist said I needed a crown. (crown image) I was like I know, right?!
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Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes chocolate a plant. Therefore, chocolate counts as a salad. The End.
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