Towels
All she wanted for Christmas was a nap.
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I’m not saying I am Wonder Woman. I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room.
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I love you, coffee
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Motherhood Powered by love. Fueled by coffee. Sustained by wine.
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We interrupt this relationship to bring you “Hunting Season.”
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My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.
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PARENT OF THE YEAR AWARD: Helping your child search for the chocolate you ate last night.
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Come here you giant cup of beautiful coffee and lie to me about how much we are going to get done today.
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I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.
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To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.
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Nothing like a woman with a brilliant mind and an indecent mouth.
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They say God only gives you what you can handle. Apparently, God thinks I’m a badass.
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When you hear a southern girl yell, “Oh, Hell no!” you’d better run.
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If life gives you lemons, make lemonade…and then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party!
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I accidentally sent my husband the kissy face emoji instead of the angry face, and now he thinks I like him.
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Instead of “single” as my relationship status, I prefer “Independently Owned and Operated.”
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I was diagnosed with OCCABD. Obsessive, compulsive, cursing, angry bitch disorder. There is no cure.
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Now accepting applications for a partner in crime: Must be fluent in smart ass, sarcasm and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required. Slackers need not apply.
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Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck that back in.
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Dear Karma, I have a list of people you forgot.
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Settle down. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
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I don’t go to the hair salon to get a haircut. I go there so someone will massage my scalp, tell me I look amazing, talk to me about anything other than cartoons, and mentally prepare me to go back to battle for four more weeks.
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Your kindness melts my heart.
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We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.
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